


How Many

by Deadhorse



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, cheesy af, humans and trolls live together au thing, kind of fluff, not sure where this is going so i'll upd8 the tags later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-28 15:19:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5095499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deadhorse/pseuds/Deadhorse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave is a cahier at a gas station for a summer job when he sees some weirdo stuffing potatoes in his pants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Countin 'Tates

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this came from tumblr person angiespeggy.  
> Imported from my wattpad :p

Your name is Dave Strider, and you're stuck working over time at a local gas station. You don't like staying late because this place is like Walmart; the freaks come out at night. You know you have no right to judge those people's lives, but seriously, what the fuck are they thinking when they come into the store dressed in Bill Nye pajamas humming the chicken song? You hope you're being paid extra for this.

A boy about your age comes in just as you've managed to balance three pens on your nose; an accomplishment you are damn proud of. If Bro were here he'd high five you straight into a happy adulthood. The guy walks around nervously, picking some objects up only to put them back down. While he is suspicious, you still lose interest in him.

You resume balancing multiple items on your face until you hear something fall. Your eyes go straight to the potato barrels (the owners are really enthusiastic potato farmers, who "accidentally" made too many potatoes) where the guy from before was standing. He doesn't seem to notice you staring as he stuffs the potato he dropped into his pants.

Round One: Dave verses first weirdo of the night. You wait to see what he plans to do next before you make your attack. The guy fits a second potato into his pants, and another, and another.

He was up to nineteen at this point, so what right did you have to stop him now? This guy had talent, and you weren't going to send a shitstorm of discipline his way yet. Of course, you didn't want to lose your job, either.

At around 27 potatoes, you just realize who this kid is. He is a major dick, and also known for sucking dick but that wasn't any of your business. You briefly wonder how he gets anyone to sleep with him, but you remind yourself that how and who he sleeps with doesn't involve you. Your mind took a dark turn with what he planned to do with all those potatoes, and you slap your face. No nasty thoughts ew.

By 48, you guess it's time to stop this guy. You start walking his way, but he doesn't notice you until you tap his shoulder. He flinches and drops a potato he was holding. He doesn't say a word, nor does he try to evade. You guess you'll speak first, then.

"What are you doing?"

He hesitates before answering, "Nothing much, you?"

Dave, become absolutely done with his bullshit.

No, no, you can't do that yet. Blowing up on a customer, even if they were stealing, would definitely result in a stern look from your overly friendly boss. "Just chilling, thinking about things," you answer coolly.

"Yeah, yeah, that's nice." He slowly begins to walk off, his eyes never leaving yours.

"You gotta pay for those tates, man."

"Would you believe me if I said I was taking them because of a medical emergency?"

You shake your head no, and his face immediately turns red. You brace yourself for the storm of large words and insults.

But instead he just takes the ends of his pants and stretches them open, sending a tsunami of potatoes onto the floor. When all the potatoes fall out, he runs out of the store. You think you won't get in trouble for this, but that's only speculation.

You spend half of your shift putting the potatoes back, and the other half casually dancing/drumming to 90's rock. But the latter wasn't really important, actually, none of this was very important. Oh well, it's just what you think.


	2. Chillin

You are still the Dave, and at the moment you are chilling in your chill room, aka the room with the AC. It was hotter than Satan's single ball as usual; it was midsummer, after all. With the extra money you were making, you hoped to be able to afford a better AC for next summer.

You started thinking about moving your equipment out of your room and into here so you can make chill beats when you hear a chum trying to reach you. Dave, answer GC.

gallowsCallibrator [GC] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
GC: H3Y.  
GC: CG 1S FL1PP1NG SH1T R1GHT NOW.  
TG: cg?  
TG: i didnt think you would talk to a guy like that  
GC: 1 T4LK TO 4LL K1NDS OF P3OPL3 D4V3.  
GC: 1TS B3ST YOU DON'T FORG3T TH4T.  
TG: okay kind of creepy  
TG: whats up with that guy  
GC: CT G4V3 H1M 4 SH1TSTORM FOR SOM3TH1NG.  
GC: SO NOW H3'S P1SS13R TH4N T4'S BLOOD.  
GC: H3H3 TH4T W4S 4 GOOD ON3.  
TG: would that something have anything to do with potatoes  
GC: WH4T.  
TG: weird night  
TG: never mind

You hear a knock at your door, and consider how important the surprise visitor could be, and deem it too much effort to bother with it. You continue pestering GC, but the knocking grows louder and quicker, seemingly frantic.

"Okay," you mumble to yourself, "this could be a problem". Picking up a sword you ready yourself for a possible opponent. If they manage to break the door down, which at the sound of that knocking, seemed entirely possible.

As you open the door, you jump back, sword at the ready. Karkat fell into your apartment, and you lower your sword. Karkat gets up, mumbling curses. He holds your eyes, not saying a word. You wonder for a moment if he was impressed or creeped out by what he sees. You're not wearing your shades, after all.

"So..." you begin.

"I shouldn't have come here," Karkat mumbled as he was heading back out the door.

You grab him by the shoulder, swinging him back inside. You immediately regret your actions. "Why are you here?"

"First, Equius wanted me to apologize to you for making your job weird last night. Second, you need to help me."

"Why Equius..?" You didn't know much about the guy, and that was probably for the best.

"Okay, big surprise, brace yourself fucker, he was the one who needed the... potatoes. Don't ask what he wanted to do with them, he's a creepy douche."

You nodded, completely understanding. "Is he... your lover?"

"Okay, you know what, it was a mistake to come here." Karkat turned to leave again, his skin red from how pissed and embarrassed he was.

"Wait, I'll help you!" you call out. You could just die right now.

Karkat stopped, shut the door, and sat down on the couch. "I have a lot to explain."


	3. Potato Enthusiast Gas Station Workers vs Knights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm bad at titles lol

You sat outside with Karkat, waiting. The gas station you worked at was silent, with no customers inside. This was perfect for you. Actually, perfect for Karkat. More like perfect for Equius. Or Karkat? You didn't want to dwell on it too much.

Karkat explained that he desperately needed the potatoes, and you figured stealing a few tates couldn't be the worse thing you could do. So you went along with his plan. Of course you could lose your job, but that was only if the plan failed. If Bro taught you anything, it was to not fail.

Both of you wore masks; you wore Bro's awesome flaming gas mask thing because it was the greatest, most ironic thing ever. Karkat wore a paper bag with an angry face on it. The two of you walked lightly, careful not make too much noise. Slowly, Karkat opened the store's door.

"Don't fucking move! We just need some shit and we'll be on our way," Karkat called to the cashier, pointing his sickle at her. She held her hands up and you followed Karkat to the barrels of potatoes. Karkat stared at the barrel and looked at you. "How strong are you?"

You shrug, and bent down to try at the barrel. Nope nope nope nope. You drop the barrel, panting. Karkat screeches in pain, apparently the barrel landed on his foot. Karkat yelled very disturbing obscenities and fell to the floor. Potatoes were knocked all over the ground, and you hurried to gather as many as possible in your hands and pockets. Karkat was still screaming, but you ignored his pain and started stuffing tates in his pants. You were freaking the fuck out by this point. When you were sure you'd gathered plenty of potatoes, you helped Karkat stand up as he ended his screeching with "AND FUCK THE GLORY AND HOLINESS OF FUCKING POTATO BARREL GODS". Karkat was half-running, half-dragged by you out of the store. 

When you were sure you were far enough from the gas station, you took off your mask and sat on the sidewalk with Karkat. He had lost his paper bag on the way, you just hoped a security camera didn't catch his face. The two of you were panting, Karkat clearly not in shape for this kind of thing. He was crying, which made you feel awkward. How is someone even supposed to react when somebody's crying? You hoped it was just from his smashed toes and not an emotional mishap. You weren't the greatest person for that.

"So..." you began, hoping to relieve the awkwardness.

"W-what?" Karkat sobbed. Shit, you were getting massive feels from him right now, and not particularly the best ones.

"What are these potatoes even for?"

Karkat sighed, and wiped his face. "Firstly, that was f-fucking embarrassing and I want you to forget that. Secondly, I hate that closeted horse fucker so get the thought out of your head that I ride his bulge every night. I owe him for some shit years ago, and so he asks me to do favors here and there. Sometimes the favors are fucked up, like the potato thing. He's using the potatoes because he got giddily excited and probably pissed himself after watching a video of a clock being powered by a potato, so he wants to see how he can use potatoes for other things like that. It's kind of sad, how he knows all these impressive things about machinery and engineering, but when it comes to the basics he's like a grub discovering its ass for the first time."

"Wow," was all you could think of to say. You didn't know which you were more impressed by: Karkat's creativity in speaking or his odd sympathy. You admit you may have judged him by the rumors you hear, no matter how much you wanted to avoid doing that.

"I surprisingly don't hate you as much as I thought I would," Karkat said, "So, in an odd way, thanks? I don't know, ignore that."

Shit he got cute quick. Like that shit just went from 2 to 2000 in a half second. You just nodded, afraid to say anything. You had your eyes set to Egbert's ass, but you knew that ship would never sail. Maybe you should change your booty loyalties? John made it clear he was strai-

Wait shit you're taking this little feeling seriously, and Karkat's talking and you haven't heard a bit of it. He was blushing, and so were you probably. Oh fuck why is he looking at you like that?

"To be perfectly honest, for such an ass with a cool kid complex, I might have red feelings for you."

Fuuuuuck.


	4. pffft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter titles are still hard

"...What?"

"Fuck fuck I shouldn't have said that out loud-" Karkat's words were nothing but "fuck"s and "sorry"s, but you were still caught up in that "I have red feelings for you" part.

Who would've guessed? Mr. Dave Has The School Douche Swooned Strider. Fuck yeah.

But wait. You've never been with a troll, or a guy. Not counting that two day fling with Jake. It was just a joke, right? Right? Would a relationship with a troll be any different? Naaaah. Right?

Wait, this is senseless worrying. Time to get to the matter at hand right now. "Hey, this isn't some adrenaline rush thing, right?"

"Fuck if I know," he muttered.

"Are you sure you're ready to climb this mountain of sexy, man?"

He punched your shoulder. "Born ready, douchebag."

"Ehhh I don't know about that, I have standards afterall. Not gonna unknowingly seize a hot slab of 'Yes God' if the cutey in question isn't sure he's ready to be the Strider rider." You weren't sure if Bro would high-five you for the Strider rider bit or give that "I'm disappointed in you" parent look. He never gave those very much, and he was god awful at them.

Truth be told, you were stalling for time. You didn't know Karkat well, most of your information about him coming from Terezi or unreliable peers. For all you knew, you're just another one night stand to him. While you didn't think bad of him for it, that wasn't something you could do. He smiles at you, but something about it seems forced. Your ancient godly maternal instincts kick in, and you can't help but pity that face.

"Yeah, maybe I do need to think about it. Who knows what the fuck I'm really thinking anyways."

 

Be the school douche.

You are the school douche, but you are sure there's worse names for you at the moment. Desperate. Pathetic. Crybaby. You decide to talk with the only one of your friends that can be called those names too.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] started pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

CG: HEY, DO YOU HAVE TIME TO TALK?  
CA: i should be the one askin you that  
CA: youvve been busy pailin everyone in town from wwhat i hear  
CG: YEAH. UM, WELL THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT.  
CA: look wwhos comin off their high blue blooded horse  
CA: seekin some guidance i guess from ol me  
CA: you practically been ignoring me for months kar an i hold some mean grudges  
CG: FIRST OF ALL I'M NOT WITH THAT CREEP.  
CG: SECOND, YOU FUCKING PUT FEF, SOLLUX, AND KAN IN THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE OF SOME WIGGLER TEMPER TANTRUM. IF HUMAN JUDGES HANDLED IT YOU'D BE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE.  
CA: big fuckin deal  
CA: everyones swwimmin on but you  
CG: COME THE FUCK ON I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW. FIRST CAN WE GET TO WHAT *I* WANT TO TALK ABOUT? THE REASON I'M CONTACTING YOU?  
CA: havve your wway wwith me for all i care  
CA: wwhat you wwant out of this clumsy attempt at sound moiraillegence matters more than wwhat i wwant right  
CG: I DON'T WANT TO BE KNOWN AS THAT GUY THAT'S PAILING A DIFFERENT LUCKY SHIT EVERY NIGHT.  
CG: I THINK... I'VE MET SOMEONE SPECIAL AND I DON'T WANT TO FUCK IT UP. I DON'T WANT MY PAST RELATIONSHIPS THROW THEM OFF AND MAKE THEM THINK I JUST WANT THEIR BULGE.  
CA: aww karcakes im flattered reel-y  
CG: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I MEANT YOU?  
CG: I FUCKED UP AND TOLD THEM I LIKED THEM.  
CA: an howd it go  
CG: I WAS CRYING WHEN I TOLD THEM. MY PANTS WERE STUFFED WITH POTATOES FROM SOMETHING THAT MIGHT VERY WELL GET US BOTH ARRESTED. AND I HAD JUST MET THEM IN PERSON THE DAY BEFORE.  
CA: wwoah wwhat

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to make these chapters kind of short so I can update more quickly, so yeah whatever take this ヾ(｀ε´)ノ


End file.
